I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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