You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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