Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Is Oprah even human
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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