He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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