you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
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Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
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You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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