There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
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