He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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