yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
