if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
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