I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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