i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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