I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
