I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
