i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
