God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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