So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
