Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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