hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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