Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Randomize
