He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
