We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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