why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
