I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
