i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
