sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
