i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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