1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
