Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
