She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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