College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
