Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
