I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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