so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
