Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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