Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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