Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Randomize
