Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
