My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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