Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
