So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
