She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
