i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
