I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
