Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
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They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
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We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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