What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Success! We fucked roommates!
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
