You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
