My friends, they love my intelligence
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
