You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
