I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
