I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
