Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
