I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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