there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
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