she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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