dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
