so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
