Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
