eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
