I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
