if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
